


all you do is look the other way

by ephers



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: "Jaeyong Summer Fight 2019", Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Getting Back Together, Light Angst, M/M, NCT Manager, Neo City - The Origin, Post-Break Up, does this count i literally have no idea, nah that did not happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-05 18:38:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18834427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephers/pseuds/ephers
Summary: “I mean,” Taeyong bites out, “Why do I have to approach Jaehyun? What is the point, really, if he won’t play along?”(or: Taeyong acquiesced when Jaehyun asked to break things off, keep things professional.As most things are, it's easier said than done.)





	all you do is look the other way

**Author's Note:**

> This is somewhat inspired by the recent Jaeyong interaction during “Angel” in the San Jose concert—but obviously everything is born out of my overactive shipper imagination :’) 
> 
> Also: thank you, [Kei](https://archiveofourown.org/users/n_kei/pseuds/n_kei) (a quality writer and even qualitier human being ugh ❤), for beta-reading this.

“All right. Good job. Take five and get back here for final briefing.”

The group disperses from the center of the stage, accepting towels and water and thanking the backstage crew for their hard work. Taeyong wipes the sweat on his face and in his hair, his mind still going a mile a minute, remembering the changes in the blocking and set list for tomorrow night.

Los Angeles is their tenth stage in this tour, so arguably, they’ve got this down to the details, knots untangled and wrinkles smoothed and all. Still, shows in LA always carry a heavier weight, and performing in Microsoft Theater is a significant milestone in their career. Taeyong has been told that this is where the Grammy live concerts are held. It still feels like a dream, some days.

“Here, Yongie.” Taeil hands him a fresh bottle of water and Taeyong thanks him with a smile. He trails after the older boy towards Doyoung and Yuta, deep in a discussion about something. Jaehyun’s there, too, sipping his water and watching his hyungs argue playfully with a sedate smile.

Their eyes meet, hold for a split second. Jaehyun excuses himself and walks away. Taeyong refrains from rolling his eyes.

Their group mates have caught on that there’s an issue between him and Jaehyun. They’ve masterfully navigated the complicated footwork of not-addressing-each-other-directly and avoiding-each-other’s-eyes Jaehyun and Taeyong are dancing to, and filled in the gaps in the interviews where the awkward pauses would have been. They only know how to do this because they’ve spent years living together and dealt with many, many little conflicts.

“This is getting ridiculous, isn’t it.” Taeil remarks from beside him. Taeyong stares at him, but Taeil still has his eyes trained on Jaehyun. Taeil is literally their most easygoing, affable member. He’s the kind of unflappable Taeyong can only aspire to be. When Taeil feels like he needs to say something, Taeyong knows things have gotten worse than he expected.

Before Taeyong figures out how to respond, their manager calls them for the final briefing. He takes a seat on the floor some distance away from Jaehyun, carefully keeping at least two members between them, because he just…

Just.

Doesn’t feel like dealing with the rejection again.

Taeyong has refused to admit how much it hurts for months now, since Jaehyun decided that they should break up, stop being affectionate with each other, because it’s safer. Better for their future—the group’s future, really.

(It was a mutual agreement, but Taeyong would’ve done anything to make Jaehyun happy, even if he didn’t want to do it.)

In truth, the hurt has been building up for months now, but like all leaders, Taeyong has perfected the art of ignoring his personal issues to keep things afloat. Now that he’s finally acknowledging it, the pain takes root in his heart and grows its thorny branches so swiftly, Taeyong has to force himself to calm down and breathe through the _anger_ , oh the anger.

The anger blindsides him, forces him to confront how unfair Jaehyun has been, how Taeyong has been trying and trying to keep their interactions to the minimum and strictly for fanservice, like Jaehyun requested, but now Jaehyun doesn’t even _deign_ to look at him.

“... and we’ll use the original blocking for _Angel_ , so we’ll start with a shot of Taeyong, then he’ll walk over to Jaehyun and the camera will follow him.”

“Why?” Taeyong speaks before his brain catches up with him. Their group members look at him. Their manager looks at him.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Taeyong bites out, fighting to keep his voice level, because he knows his voice wobbles when he’s angry and he hates it. “Why do I have to approach him? What is the point, really, if he won’t play along?”

The heat in his voice freezes the room. Yuta shoots him a wide-eyed look like he can’t believe Taeyong’s actually bringing this up right here, right now. On his other side, Mark looks incredibly uncomfortable.

“Yongie…” Johnny said, softly, but there’s no mistaking the warning behind it. Taeyong’s fury washes over him and he rounds on Johnny.

“No. _No._ He’s been like this for days now—in the interviews, too. And I, for one, am done dealing with this b—with this nonsense. I’m _done_. Did you not check the SNS? Do you know that our fans have caught on to this? Some of them are actually saying I should move on and engage someone else. Actually—you know what? Let’s do that.” Taeyong turns back to their manager, demanding: “If Jaehyun finds it so difficult to do the bare minimum fanservice with me, I’m letting him go. From now on, let me come to Johnny. At least _he_ will look at me.”

In the silence that ensues, Taeyong finally spares a glance at Jaehyun.

Jaehyun is staring at the floor. He looks… well, he looks stricken. Taeyong feels a sliver of regret for putting that look in his face, but it’s drowned out by the festering wound in his chest. What right does Jaehyun have looking like that, while he’s the one who causes this in the first place?

“Siri, wikihow to yeet myself out of here asap.” Mark suddenly mumbles, to Donghyuck’s abrupt giggles. 

It deflates the tension in the room.

Taeyong sighs, stares at their manager resolutely. He knows it’s uncharacteristic of him—Taeyong’s style of leadership basically sums up to taking the brunt of every little shit the upper management throws their way in place of their members. He shields the group and fights for them and, in return, demands nothing for himself. Youngjae-hyung knows and understands this, as well. In fact, he’s NCT’s longest-serving manager because he works well with Taeyong to communicate and compromise with the upper management.

He’s staring at Taeyong with a contemplative look.

“No.” He finally says. Taeyong barely refrains from arguing, reminds himself to listen to their manager first. “No. I’m not letting you dig yourself deeper into this. You’re professionals, so work it out. Or work it out _enough_ to act like one.” Youngjae-hyung is smiling, but there’s a sharpness to it that tells Taeyong to stop arguing if he doesn’t want to land himself in further trouble. For all he knows, their manager will just make them do _more_ fanservice. He’s the kind of person that believes that conflict resolution means forcing both sides to sit down and talk it out.

If necessary, by locking them in a room together.

That is the last thing Taeyong wants.

Their manager proceeds to go through the blocking for the rest of the set list. Taeyong will need to review that again later with someone because he sure as hell can’t focus. That pisses him off even more.

They’re dismissed some ten minutes later, after clarifying last minute concerns and questions. Taeyong thanks their manager and the crew (because even at his worst he never forgets to show respect where he should) before wordlessly making his way towards their bus.

The drive towards their hotel was agonizingly long and awkward. Taeyong takes one of the seat near the window and spends the entire time watching anything but their group mates. The bus was quiet, only the muffled, soft sound of their manager and Mark discussing something Taeyong can’t discern.

He puts on his airpods, closes his eyes, and tries to block everything out.

*

 

“Room assignments.” Youngjae-hyung hands over the key cards to the members. “Markeu, you’re with me.”

“Oh, thank God.” Mark says under his breath and rolls his suitcase towards their manager. Taeyong stares, uncomprehending. Mark is supposed to room with him. Their manager is supposed to room with Jaehyun. Which means...

“Hyung, what—” He starts. Youngjae-hyung cuts him off.

“Look, you’ve got two options here. You fix this before the next show, and I’ll pretend this never happened. You don’t, and I’ll escalate the issue to the upper levels.”

Taeyong knows what that means. He knows he’s being given a chance. The company has largely allowed them to decide on who they want to do fanservice with and how far they want to take it—which is why it has been a mostly comfortable experience for everyone, filled with mutual understanding and camaraderie. If Youngjae-hyung reports on this issue between him and Jaehyun, the company might actually come up with specific orders.

Jaehyun and he might be told to stay away from each other. For all of their questionable work ethics, the company isn’t in the habit of forcing two people who aren’t comfortable with each other together.

Taeyong toys with the idea of actually going through with it. It would hurt, no question about it, but maybe this is what he needs to actually move on. Maybe distance is what they need to build a friendship again.

“We’ll fix it.” Jaehyun says, suddenly, softly, from beside him. “Don’t report this.”

It might just be his imagination, but Youngjae-hyung looks relieved. He addresses the group again. “All right. Everyone, get some rest. I’ll get dinner delivered to your room later. Mark, you have a vlog to record, you know who you want to do this with?” He walks away with Mark towards the elevator. The rest of their members scatter and disappear in record speed.

Taeyong looks at Jaehyun and sighs. Jaehyun has a dejected look on his face. It’s going to be a long evening.

“Come on.” He tilts his head towards the elevators.

*

 

Taeyong stares out of the window while he pats his hair dry with his towel.

He’s planned to sleep early tonight and recover his energy. If the others are smart, this is what they will do as well. Doing a show every other night with traveling in-between is no joke, and they haven’t stopped doing this for two weeks. Signs of fatigue are starting to appear in everyone’s faces. Taeyong’s also pretty sure Donghyuck is coming down with something. He’ll have to check on their youngest later.

Jaehyun steps out of the bathroom, a cloud of steam following his exit. He’s wearing a set of light flannel pajamas, bare-faced, hair freshly blow-dried and regaining their bouncy texture. He looks soft and cuddly. Taeyong sighs internally. Even when he’s mad at Jaehyun, his hind brain can’t help but revert to its baser wants.

Taeyong turns his eyes back to the scenery, watching the night slowly come to life. His anger has burnt out, leaving the sadness and the exhaustion in its wake. He isn’t ready to talk about things, afraid that it’s just going to be a rehash of that painful night. He doesn’t want to suffer through it again, doesn’t want to be in a place where he’s vulnerable again. He just wants to ignore everything and be done with it.

From the way Jaehyun stares unmoving behind him, Taeyong can tell Jaehyun doesn’t feel the same. They’re going to talk about it.

And isn’t that the story of Taeyong’s life? If Jaehyun wants something, anything, Taeyong will do his best to accommodate it. It’s always been like this—from when Jaehyun was just his cute little dongsaeng, a younger trainee Taeyong’s taken under his wings, to now, when he’s grown taller and broader than Taeyong, fitting perfectly into the manly, princely image the company’s assigned him.

Nothing’s changed. Taeyong will still do anything for him.

Perhaps that’s the problem. Perhaps it’s time he stops.

 

 

Then, as if he knows what Taeyong is thinking, Jaehyun says: “I’m sorry.”

Taeyong exhales, long and slow, keeping his gaze trained on the city lights. He considers simply telling the younger boy that Taeyong forgives him and extracting a promise from Jaehyun that he will play along, tomorrow. Considers forcing himself to fall back into the familiar, ambiguous status quo, where Taeyong makes overtures for fanservice that almost look natural and, only if Jaehyun feels like it, are reciprocated.

He should. It’s the safe thing to do. The easy thing to do.

“I’m tired.” is what comes out of his mouth, instead.  

And he is. He’s tired of being in this place where nothing is certain and everything hurts. He’s tired of piecemeal, prescribed interactions where he’s obligated to touch but not allowed to expect anything back. Taeyong thought he could do it.

Turns out he couldn’t.

“I’m tired of you blowing hot and cold.” Taeyong adds, haltingly, trying to keep the accusation away from his voice. He doesn’t want another argument. He just wants this conversation to end so he can have a good cry and nurse his aching heart. “I’m tired of trying and being rejected.”

He pauses, swallows. Jaehyun's reflection on the window is blurry.

“When you said we should stop… You said we can still return to what it was like before. But we never really talked about what _before_ is like, did we? And that’s a problem, because...” He rests his forehead on cold glass and takes a deep breath, decides to simply leap into the abyss with both feet, because.

He just can’t do this anymore.

“I don’t really remember a time where I don’t love you.” He whispers, lets the confession hang between them, resigned and defeated. “And I’m just… realizing this now, because I’m an idiot, and I should’ve told you from the beginning that I couldn’t do what you wanted. I can’t give you what you want. It’s unfair—to both of us. Which is why I need to—”

“Don’t.” Jaehyun cuts him off. “Don’t move on. Don’t go to anyone else. Don’t—” Jaehyun’s voice cracks. Taeyong turns around, wide-eyed, not quite believing his ears. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, just don’t l-leave...” Jaehyun’s face twists, then the tears fall.

Oh shit. Oh _fuck_. Taeyong moves before his brain registers the impulse. “Jaehyun.” He cups Jaehyun’s face and thumbs away the tears on his cheeks. “Jaehyunnie… don’t cry. I’m sorry. Please don’t cry.”

Jaehyun wipes his eyes with the heel of his hands and laughs wetly. “Why—why are you even sorry, hyung. I should be the one apologizing.”

“Beats me.” Taeyong can’t help but chuckle, though he feels like crying too. What a mess they’ve gotten themselves into. “Just—don’t cry, okay. Just…” He sighs, bumps his forehead on Jaehyun’s chin gently. “I don’t know what you want, Jaehyun.” He whispers. “You reject me, but you won’t let me go.”

A tiny shiver ripples through Jaehyun. He wraps his arms around Taeyong’s waist and hugs him tight, tighter than on-camera acceptable, definitely tighter than the boundaries they’ve agreed on.

Taeyong lets out a shaky exhale, skin burning with hyper-awareness. He can smell the residue of Jaehyun's cologne, a hint of sweat, concentrated on the patch of skin under Jaehyun's ear where the youngest often forgets to scrub. This is the closest they’ve been since they ended things. His brain tells him to pull away but he’s missed this. As much as Taeyong relishes the friendly gestures—the hand-holding, the arm thrown across shoulders, the hair-ruffling—they can’t compare to the rush of having Jaehyun pressed so close Taeyong can feel the rise and fall of his breathing.

“I was scared.” Jaehyun mumbles to his shoulder, after what feels like an interminably long time. “I was scared of losing all of this… because it meant losing you. Not... not getting to see you again everyday, and not getting to do this with you and everyone and…” His fists clench on Taeyong’s sleep shirt. “And I thought. I thought it would be easier if we stopped… that it would hurt less.”

Taeyong feels the sting of tears in the back of his eyes. “You were wrong.”

Jaehyun nods, contrite. “I was wrong. And—and this whole concert has been … difficult. Because it just… reminds me of what I don’t have anymore. And I. I got so angry at myself because I know I caused this to happen. I just shut down.”

“I’m sorry.” Jaehyun repeats it again, voice small. “And I know I was the one who asked to stop, so I don’t—can’t… I can’t ask you not to leave, but...” Jaehyun sniffles.

“But you’re selfish.” Taeyong murmurs.

“I’m selfish.” Jaehyun nods again.

“And you’re an idiot.”

“I’m an idiot.” He echoes sadly.

Taeyong sighs for the millionth time today. “Apparently I am, too.”

“You are—” Jaehyun pauses. Taeyong can feel the second Jaehyun processes his answer because the younger boy just stiffens. “Hyung?” Jaehyun pulls back to look at him, bewildered and hopeful at the same time.

Taeyong links his arms behind Jaehyun’s neck and decides to start with the most important point: “I forgive you.”

Jaehyun’s fingers clench tighter on Taeyong’s T-shirt. He nods, fresh tears welling up in his eyes. He quickly wipes them away. “Sorry.” He says, “Sorry. I’m just relieved.”

“Please stop apologizing.” Taeyong can’t stop his fond, exasperated smile. He loves this dumb boy so much, heaven help him. “I forgive you… but next time,” He makes sure to look Jaehyun in the eyes when he says this, “talk to me before you make these decisions. That’s what people in relationships do. They communicate.”

Jaehyun nods. Three times. And then once more, as if he wants to convince Taeyong that he does get it. Taeyong wants to pinch his cheeks.

Well, he’s allowed now, so he does just that. Jaehyun whines, but he doesn’t move away, so Taeyong indulges himself.

“So we’re…” Jaehyun hesitates. “Um. We’re in a relationship? Back together?”

Taeyong falters. He thought… “Do you not want to be?” Does Jaehyun want to return to that ambiguous dynamic again? Because Taeyong doesn’t know how much he can take anymore. Oh God. Has he been misunderstanding their conversation?

Panic dawns in Jaehyun’s face. “No! I mean, yes—I mean, ugh.” He takes both of Taeyong’s hands, laces their fingers together. “I meant to say, I _want_ to be in a relationship. I was just making sure because—” He stops. Flushes.

“Because…?” Taeyong raises his eyebrows.

“Um.”

“Jaehyunnie.” Taeyong nudges him, gentle but firm.

“... Because I’d like to kiss you.” Jaehyun finally says, ducking his head, blushing up to his ears.

_Oh._

Taeyong burns bright red.

“Ah, forget about it.” Jaehyun shakes his head, dropping Taeyong’s hands, ruffles his own hair. A nervous tic, Taeyong faintly recognizes. “What am I thinking. I shouldn’t have… I’m s—”

Taeyong kisses him.

(Well, he’s not going to let Jaehyun apologize again.)

Jaehyun makes a soft, surprised noise. The positioning is awkward—their teeth clack together and Taeyong almost bites Jaehyun’s lower lip. Taeyong starts to pull away, fully intending to do a reset on this and doing it properly.

But then Jaehyun puts a hand on his cheek, tilts his head a little, slips his tongue between Taeyong's lips and Taeyong swears the stars in the universe realign into beautiful constellations, a million caterpillars emerge into multi-colored butterflies in his stomach, every piece of puzzle in the world lock together perfectly—basically a whole nine yards of bullshit, cliche metaphors that people always use to describe their perfect kiss.

Taeyong doesn’t care. He just doesn’t want to stop kissing Jaehyun ever again.

They pull apart eventually, but not before Jaehyun steals a few more pecks. Taeyong giggles through them. He feels giddy and light, like he's actually weightless. 

Jaehyun pulls him back for a tight hug as they try to regain their breathing.  

“I’ve missed this.” Jaehyun hums.

 

Taeyong hears _I’ve missed you._ He turns his head and presses a kiss on Jaehyun’s temple.

“Me, too.”

*

 

Taeyong has a solo v-live broadcast scheduled next morning. He sets up the camera and makes sure it doesn’t catch their beds—in which only one appeared to have been slept on.  

Before he goes live, Jaehyun drops a kiss on the crown of his head, puts a plate of eggs and a bagel slathered with cream cheese on the small table where the camera was set up. Taeyong scrunches his nose at him. Jaehyun simply pokes it.

“You’ve been missing breakfast this past week, hyung. Don’t think I didn’t notice.”

Taeyong blinks. He’s got a lot of questions (where did he get this? isn’t this too much? Jaehyun _noticed_?) but he settles with: “Did you just boop me.”

“Get used to it.” Jaehyun sends him a cheeky, dimpled smile.

Taeyong finds that he, in fact, doesn’t mind.

His morning is brighter already.

*

 

They don’t see the members and their manager until they reach the parking garage lobby, waiting for their bus to make its way there. Taeyong has his fingers laced with Jaehyun’s, the other hand shouldering his backpack.

“Oh, hell yes.” is how Donghyuck greets them. He gets a swat on the back of his head from their manager.

“Language.”

“I’m an adult!”

“You can’t buy me hot dog, man!” Mark pipes up, and then he and Donghyuck burst into giggles. Youngjae-hyung looks at them like he’s wondering where he’s gone wrong in his life. Taeyong understands nothing, but he laughs because this is good and familiar.

And when he turns his head, Jaehyun is looking back at him with the same fond grin.

*

 

As they’re waiting to board the bus, Johnny sidles up beside Taeyong and nudges him. “All good?” He says, subtly nodding towards Jaehyun, who’s standing a few feet away from them, waiting for his turn to climb up.

“We made up.” Taeyong smiles, eyeing the younger boy fondly. He knows he looks besotted. It’s not like he can help it, he’s just so… happy. Johnny stares at him.

“If I don’t know you any better, I’d say you got laid.”

“Well, actually—”

Their manager clears his throat loudly from behind.

“... Absolutely nothing happened. We talked, we hugged, read the bible and went to sleep.”

Johnny laughed. They shuffle forward and climb into the bus. “It’s gonna be a good show.”

Taeyong sees Jaehyun sitting on the couch, his backpack occupying the space beside him. Jaehyun gives him a shy smile and moves his bag.

 _Sit here?_ His eyes read.

Taeyong looks at Johnny and grinned. “Yeah, definitely.” He says, and makes his way over to Jaehyun.

 

_(fin)_

**Author's Note:**

> (no, I didn't think Jaeyong were fighting. yes i am working on the domestic!au i just needed to get this out of my head fjkslg). 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Would love to hear your thoughts/comments/criticisms. Do say hi to me @ my [twitter](https://twitter.com/ephersy) or [cc](https://curiouscat.me/ephers) :) ❤


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